Its been a while since I've posted. Theres so much new I don't know where to start...
We are back in school now, and the lack of sleep is more prominent for this time of year then anything else. Eight hours for two days is not enough. It would be better but my Dad wants me to work 30-35 hours along with 4 hours classes. I went up stairs to read a book yesterday and when I laid down on my bed and I don't remember anything after that.
I work at KFC. Not the best place to work but I'm sure there are worse, they want me to work 4-11 on a school day. School lets out at 4:05. You do the math, whats the chance of me being late for that one?
My brother is home. After 2 years.
Can't think of anything else now, more later. Maybe.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Less and less
I can't make myself happy. I feel something is missing. I find my self slipping, snapping at people who did nothing wrong, crying all the time. I hate the pain. Self loathing has been presented. But not likely. Teachers have commented, consulers have talked. But not one of them can figure me out. I should be happy, with a ok life, and no horrible pains present at the moment. So now I ask,
What the HELL is wrong with me?
What the HELL is wrong with me?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Weird things that bug yours truly,
*these are things that over the years of my life i have learned that bug me. some of them are more serious, and them some of them aren't.
1, i hate it when people pronounce 'eleven' wrong. (There is a 'E' in there!)
2, story toppers
3, saying 'no offense', because no matter what they say with thoes words, it IS offensive.
4, writing with a dull pencil
5, braggers
6, insulting ANY religion. Just cuz its not what you may believe, doesn't mean you have to be rude.
7, when people go on a rant about globing warming, that may be what you believe, but I am entitled to my own opinion. I'm not very appreciative when they say 'you wrong'.
8, people that are to stubborn to listen to anyone else's views
9, breaking promises
10, saying 'i love you' and not meaning it. becuase it hurts when i find out that you were lying. cuz i loved him back...
1, i hate it when people pronounce 'eleven' wrong. (There is a 'E' in there!)
2, story toppers
3, saying 'no offense', because no matter what they say with thoes words, it IS offensive.
4, writing with a dull pencil
5, braggers
6, insulting ANY religion. Just cuz its not what you may believe, doesn't mean you have to be rude.
7, when people go on a rant about globing warming, that may be what you believe, but I am entitled to my own opinion. I'm not very appreciative when they say 'you wrong'.
8, people that are to stubborn to listen to anyone else's views
9, breaking promises
10, saying 'i love you' and not meaning it. becuase it hurts when i find out that you were lying. cuz i loved him back...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Don't Say a Word
Secrets are bad for the soul. I once heard that, when someone was trying to get something out of me; a secret I have been burden to bare for to long. A secret no one will ever know. Because as hard as they are to keep, the harder it is to tell. He almost got me to say it to. But the strength to say it aloud I do not have. I'm too weak to even write it. To write the words that have haunted me for months. The pain is almost unbearable.
I'm a good liar. I have to be. My secret causes pain, this is why I have to lie so well, because no matter how hard you try, the people who know you the best can see through your disguise. And when they ask questions, you have to know the right answers.
I'm a good liar. I have to be. My secret causes pain, this is why I have to lie so well, because no matter how hard you try, the people who know you the best can see through your disguise. And when they ask questions, you have to know the right answers.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
A almost, that would have ment the most
We had a church party today. And I went. At first, I was alone. I was depressed and I felt like crap. Why you might ask?
Because some clueless idiot decided to make it a family affair.
Lets see where all my family was. Dad: Home, Mom: Idaho, Jason: Mission, Natalie: Idaho, Erin: Idaho.
When the person in charge said we were spouse to hang out with our family, I was tempted to walk home. And I almost did too. But, for some reason, I decided to stay.
If your on the ball today, than you might have realized that left me, alone, at a family event with no family. Smiling families past me on the stairs. When they smiled all I wanted to do was cry.
I hung out with one of my friends for maybe 15 minutes than I had to leave. I was already feeling really crappy about having almost no family around for this time of year, and her complaining about her nice, caring family, wanted to make me cry and scream at the same time. How could she complain about how her parents and brother wanted to hang out with her, when I was alone? That wasn't what made me crack though, it wasn't what made me leave.
“Your so lucky, your family is not right there bugging you all the time!” she said angrily and glared at me, I had no choose but to nod. Shortly after that I mumbled a excuse to go get water and just didn't come back.
I hung out in the foyer, by self looking at the lamp, not looking anyone in the eyes, because that was one conversation I didn't want to have, not then.
What struck me as horrible is, not one of my friends noticed I wasn't in the gym, where the 'party' was happening. I mean, I didn't want them to come find me and ask questions, but is it too mush to ask for them to simply notice I wasn't there?
But I digress. And someone noticed I wasn't in the gym. Someone noticed I was gone. He noticed that my Dad had left me, leaving me alone. He noticed that I was close to tears. He was the one and only. My one and only.
Jonathan. The one that noticed I was gone, the one that noticed that my Dad left.
Anyway 15 minutes before the 'party' ended, I went in to the gym. Sure, I knew I would very likely sitting by my self, but I wanted to see the performance of the nativity.
I watched Jonathan walk to the stage, refusing Joseph (not real name) a spot in the Inn. He went back to sit with one of the primary kids, who he pulled onto his lap.
And in spite myself, I smiled. He is so nice, and so very good with kids. I smiled at him. He smiled back at me- I think. There were people standing behind me, I wasn't sure that he was smiling at me or them.
I grabbed at my side, my pride hurt.
After the 'party' was over, I talked to my friends (I don't know whether to say friends or 'friends' ).
Soon after I was finished talking to my friends, I got tapped on the head, and heard the word 'goose' I laughed got up to tag the little boys head I said 'duck', and saw that it was the little boy that Jonathan had in his lap earlier. I didn't know if it was a coincidence or not.
I heard laughs when I had tapped his head. I turned to see my friends laughing at my reverse game of duck, duck, goose. Some how we decided on playing the real game. After a while we were told to go into the primary room. I took a while after to help Sara gather her stuff, I then left.
Jonathon was in front of me, I fallowed him into the primary room.
“Theres no one here.” he said holding open the door to prove it. It wasn't necessary though, the room was dark, you would have to blind not to be able to tell.
I walked in the room, smiling at him, daring him to do the same. He came in. And then it hit me.
We were alone.
A little girl walked in, to break the silence. I pretended to shot Jonathon to make her laugh. And like a gentleman, he fell on the floor. She laughed. I could tell she was waiting for the duck-duck-goose game but I didn't want to play with only two other people. She left.
We were alone. Church rules dictate that a girl and boy are not spouse to be in the same room alone. I sure Jonathon realized this too, but he didn't suggest a move, he didn't open the door, he stood there and stared- at me.
We talked, about his almost bald-head, he had gotten a hair cut yesterday. We talked about my cat- tony which lead to NCIS, as the cat was named after Anthony (Tony) DiNozzo. When he said he watched NCIS, I have to admit, I thought 'Hes perfect'.
I don't know if I was imaging it, but it seemed like we were gravitating towards each other. Getting closer- slowly.
We were maybe a foot and a half away when the door opened to reveal- his mom.
She looked from me to him, and realized that there was something that she had interrupted.
“Jonathon you should be helping clean up.” He was in trouble, I was sad that I got him in trouble, I was so hazed when I walked out, I didn't even realize that I was seconds away from getting my frist kiss.
Because some clueless idiot decided to make it a family affair.
Lets see where all my family was. Dad: Home, Mom: Idaho, Jason: Mission, Natalie: Idaho, Erin: Idaho.
When the person in charge said we were spouse to hang out with our family, I was tempted to walk home. And I almost did too. But, for some reason, I decided to stay.
If your on the ball today, than you might have realized that left me, alone, at a family event with no family. Smiling families past me on the stairs. When they smiled all I wanted to do was cry.
I hung out with one of my friends for maybe 15 minutes than I had to leave. I was already feeling really crappy about having almost no family around for this time of year, and her complaining about her nice, caring family, wanted to make me cry and scream at the same time. How could she complain about how her parents and brother wanted to hang out with her, when I was alone? That wasn't what made me crack though, it wasn't what made me leave.
“Your so lucky, your family is not right there bugging you all the time!” she said angrily and glared at me, I had no choose but to nod. Shortly after that I mumbled a excuse to go get water and just didn't come back.
I hung out in the foyer, by self looking at the lamp, not looking anyone in the eyes, because that was one conversation I didn't want to have, not then.
What struck me as horrible is, not one of my friends noticed I wasn't in the gym, where the 'party' was happening. I mean, I didn't want them to come find me and ask questions, but is it too mush to ask for them to simply notice I wasn't there?
But I digress. And someone noticed I wasn't in the gym. Someone noticed I was gone. He noticed that my Dad had left me, leaving me alone. He noticed that I was close to tears. He was the one and only. My one and only.
Jonathan. The one that noticed I was gone, the one that noticed that my Dad left.
Anyway 15 minutes before the 'party' ended, I went in to the gym. Sure, I knew I would very likely sitting by my self, but I wanted to see the performance of the nativity.
I watched Jonathan walk to the stage, refusing Joseph (not real name) a spot in the Inn. He went back to sit with one of the primary kids, who he pulled onto his lap.
And in spite myself, I smiled. He is so nice, and so very good with kids. I smiled at him. He smiled back at me- I think. There were people standing behind me, I wasn't sure that he was smiling at me or them.
I grabbed at my side, my pride hurt.
After the 'party' was over, I talked to my friends (I don't know whether to say friends or 'friends' ).
Soon after I was finished talking to my friends, I got tapped on the head, and heard the word 'goose' I laughed got up to tag the little boys head I said 'duck', and saw that it was the little boy that Jonathan had in his lap earlier. I didn't know if it was a coincidence or not.
I heard laughs when I had tapped his head. I turned to see my friends laughing at my reverse game of duck, duck, goose. Some how we decided on playing the real game. After a while we were told to go into the primary room. I took a while after to help Sara gather her stuff, I then left.
Jonathon was in front of me, I fallowed him into the primary room.
“Theres no one here.” he said holding open the door to prove it. It wasn't necessary though, the room was dark, you would have to blind not to be able to tell.
I walked in the room, smiling at him, daring him to do the same. He came in. And then it hit me.
We were alone.
A little girl walked in, to break the silence. I pretended to shot Jonathon to make her laugh. And like a gentleman, he fell on the floor. She laughed. I could tell she was waiting for the duck-duck-goose game but I didn't want to play with only two other people. She left.
We were alone. Church rules dictate that a girl and boy are not spouse to be in the same room alone. I sure Jonathon realized this too, but he didn't suggest a move, he didn't open the door, he stood there and stared- at me.
We talked, about his almost bald-head, he had gotten a hair cut yesterday. We talked about my cat- tony which lead to NCIS, as the cat was named after Anthony (Tony) DiNozzo. When he said he watched NCIS, I have to admit, I thought 'Hes perfect'.
I don't know if I was imaging it, but it seemed like we were gravitating towards each other. Getting closer- slowly.
We were maybe a foot and a half away when the door opened to reveal- his mom.
She looked from me to him, and realized that there was something that she had interrupted.
“Jonathon you should be helping clean up.” He was in trouble, I was sad that I got him in trouble, I was so hazed when I walked out, I didn't even realize that I was seconds away from getting my frist kiss.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
How you know you are procarsting
You know you are procrastinating when...
1...You decided to do some cleaning that doesn't need to be done.
2...You find your self catching up with people you really don't like.
3...You write list that don't need to be written.
4...You sit in front of the computer for hours at a time doing nothing in particular.
5...You text your ex boyfriend just to remind him hes a jerk.
6...You avoid walking past anything that might remind you of what you should be doing.
7...You do laundry more regularly than usual...who cares if its just a pair of pants?
8...You call your mom...this time she the one who wants to hang up on you.(See #2)
9...Your asked at how far along you are with thing, you say working on it, when you really haven't even started.
10...You organize the movies that you own by how pretty you think the covers are, rather than something reasonable, like, the title.
11...You start to count the tiles in your kitchen...in French (soixante-deux).
12...You watch the news for a hour, you know, the channel that has all the news in 15 minutes.
13...You find yourself watching Disney channel.
14...You watch and comment on so many youtube videos, that a little box at the bottom of the page that says, 'Excessed Comments' appears...for the 4th time.
15...You open a writing document and start typing 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14...
16...You watch the clock for numbers like 12:34 and 11:11
17... You open paint and start coloring a whole page in...with the pencil.
18...You go to your local Wal-Mart...and start counting their tiles.
19... You start to talk to your self... knowing fully well your only crazy if you respond to yourself.
20... You look up the word encumber in a dictonary.
1...You decided to do some cleaning that doesn't need to be done.
2...You find your self catching up with people you really don't like.
3...You write list that don't need to be written.
4...You sit in front of the computer for hours at a time doing nothing in particular.
5...You text your ex boyfriend just to remind him hes a jerk.
6...You avoid walking past anything that might remind you of what you should be doing.
7...You do laundry more regularly than usual...who cares if its just a pair of pants?
8...You call your mom...this time she the one who wants to hang up on you.(See #2)
9...Your asked at how far along you are with thing, you say working on it, when you really haven't even started.
10...You organize the movies that you own by how pretty you think the covers are, rather than something reasonable, like, the title.
11...You start to count the tiles in your kitchen...in French (soixante-deux).
12...You watch the news for a hour, you know, the channel that has all the news in 15 minutes.
13...You find yourself watching Disney channel.
14...You watch and comment on so many youtube videos, that a little box at the bottom of the page that says, 'Excessed Comments' appears...for the 4th time.
15...You open a writing document and start typing 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14...
16...You watch the clock for numbers like 12:34 and 11:11
17... You open paint and start coloring a whole page in...with the pencil.
18...You go to your local Wal-Mart...and start counting their tiles.
19... You start to talk to your self... knowing fully well your only crazy if you respond to yourself.
20... You look up the word encumber in a dictonary.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Why am I still alive?
I've never seen my life the way most have. And I honesty can't tell you why it is so. Some say my life is a curse, a punishment form a mournful God. But I, think its a blessing in disuses, because as hard as my life is, I know there is a reason, that I'm allowed to breathe in this air.
My life does sometimes seem like God does abhor me. But I, like many, know there is a reason for every tear I cry, from every loved one that is taken away from me so atrociously. But can I stand and tell you I love this life, that I have been burdened to bare? No, I can not. For even though God has blessed me with a life, he has taken away from me the things that I life for.
The reason I breathe is no longer there. The reason why my heart keeps beating has ceased to exist.
So why am I still alive?
The question has tormented me for months now.
Never in all my days have I asked my self this question before that fateful day. That day changed...everything. That day when she left me forever.
My life does sometimes seem like God does abhor me. But I, like many, know there is a reason for every tear I cry, from every loved one that is taken away from me so atrociously. But can I stand and tell you I love this life, that I have been burdened to bare? No, I can not. For even though God has blessed me with a life, he has taken away from me the things that I life for.
The reason I breathe is no longer there. The reason why my heart keeps beating has ceased to exist.
So why am I still alive?
The question has tormented me for months now.
Never in all my days have I asked my self this question before that fateful day. That day changed...everything. That day when she left me forever.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Season 7 NCIS
1. Truth or Consequences 9/22/09
http://www.cbs.com/hd/video.php?cid=&pid=f8eDzqMCgkKYrfvq4CqlmOSgZVO7Z3NE&play=true&offset=0&show=all
http://www.cbs.com/hd/video.php?cid=&pid=f8eDzqMCgkKYrfvq4CqlmOSgZVO7Z3NE&play=true&offset=0&show=all
Saturday, September 12, 2009
NCIS
NCIS Episodes Season 6 -
1. Last Man Standing
2. Agent Afloat
3. Capitol Offense
4. Heartland
5. Nine Lives
6. Murder 2.0
7. Collateral Damage
8. Cloak
9. Dagger
10.Road kill
11. Silent Night
12. Caged
13. Broken Bird
14. Love and War
15. Deliverance
16. Bounce
17. South by Southeast
18. Knockout
19. Hide and Seek
20. Dead Reckoning
21. Toxic
22. Legend, Part 1
23. Legend, Part 2
24. Semper Fidelis
25. Aliyah
1. Last Man Standing
2. Agent Afloat
3. Capitol Offense
4. Heartland
5. Nine Lives
6. Murder 2.0
7. Collateral Damage
8. Cloak
9. Dagger
10.Road kill
11. Silent Night
12. Caged
13. Broken Bird
14. Love and War
15. Deliverance
16. Bounce
17. South by Southeast
18. Knockout
19. Hide and Seek
20. Dead Reckoning
21. Toxic
22. Legend, Part 1
23. Legend, Part 2
24. Semper Fidelis
25. Aliyah
Monday, September 7, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Why?
Why?
Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,
He told his friends that it was cool,
And when he pulled the trigger back,
It shot with a great, huge crack.
Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!
When I went to school that day,
I never said good-bye.
I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.
When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,
And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.
Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,
And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.
And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,
And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best
Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest
Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,
And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass
Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.
But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.
And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try
I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.
Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,
But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest
When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could
please listen to me if you would,
I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,
I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.
But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,
Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.
I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true
And Mommy all I need to say is, "”Mommy, I love you”
Mommy...Johnny brought a gun to school,
He told his friends that it was cool,
And when he pulled the trigger back,
It shot with a great, huge crack.
Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!
When I went to school that day,
I never said good-bye.
I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.
When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,
And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.
Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,
And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.
And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,
And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best
Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest
Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,
And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass
Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.
But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.
And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try
I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.
Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,
But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest
When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could
please listen to me if you would,
I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,
I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.
But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,
Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.
I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true
And Mommy all I need to say is, "”Mommy, I love you”
Nothing
Having a bad day. Sisters moved out of state. Brothers been gone a while. Mom and dad went through a bad divorce. I can't talk to anyone, my mom would freak out, she already thinks I'm depressed. So I will do nothing.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
What About Me?
Natalie is going off to college. But so what, right? I have two sisters right?At least one would be here.
Wrong.
I don't know if I ever said anything about this in any of my other blogs, but my Mom went up to Idaho to go off to college, to the same college Natalie is going to. My Mom begged us to go up with her. We told her no over and over again. Its seemed pretty definite that we weren't going anywhere. At least thats what I thought.
Which just shows what I know.
Two days ago-Monday we found out Erin wanted to go up. A change of scenery she claimed. Bull is what I told her. Natalie talked her into I just know it. Erin didn't want to go up, she wouldn't even let mom ask her-and now she is jumping through all sorts of hops to go up? No. Natalie talked her into it.
I know Erin- she won't change. She wouldn't even let me move my nightstand when we shared a room. Now shes picking up and moving almost 2,000 miles? I don't think so.
My Dad and I tried to talk her out of it. It didn't work. Shes going up soon- in the next 2 weeks.
But I still have Dad, right? Yes and No.
Dad has a girl friend- Dad has work. Hes busy, some days I don't see him at all. Some I do. But I grew up with two older sisters and a older brother, and a Mom and Dad. I'm use to having someone around almost all the time. How did I get down to just Dad? How did I get to coming home-alone?
I know I'm 15- almost 16. But I can't-
So now I ask-
What about me?
Wrong.
I don't know if I ever said anything about this in any of my other blogs, but my Mom went up to Idaho to go off to college, to the same college Natalie is going to. My Mom begged us to go up with her. We told her no over and over again. Its seemed pretty definite that we weren't going anywhere. At least thats what I thought.
Which just shows what I know.
Two days ago-Monday we found out Erin wanted to go up. A change of scenery she claimed. Bull is what I told her. Natalie talked her into I just know it. Erin didn't want to go up, she wouldn't even let mom ask her-and now she is jumping through all sorts of hops to go up? No. Natalie talked her into it.
I know Erin- she won't change. She wouldn't even let me move my nightstand when we shared a room. Now shes picking up and moving almost 2,000 miles? I don't think so.
My Dad and I tried to talk her out of it. It didn't work. Shes going up soon- in the next 2 weeks.
But I still have Dad, right? Yes and No.
Dad has a girl friend- Dad has work. Hes busy, some days I don't see him at all. Some I do. But I grew up with two older sisters and a older brother, and a Mom and Dad. I'm use to having someone around almost all the time. How did I get down to just Dad? How did I get to coming home-alone?
I know I'm 15- almost 16. But I can't-
So now I ask-
What about me?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
My brithday
So my birthday is Friday! Yippee. Just kidding. I don't really care. But I will almost be old enough to drive! One more year after Friday!
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